when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
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Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
is nasa ok
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank