Hey i am sexy to you now
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[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Yoga Matt
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Why do meteors always land in craters?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.