He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
What flavor cupcake are these
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
they split up moments later
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho