The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
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Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty