{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
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No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Nose
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.