If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
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Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Not today, today.
Not today.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time