[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
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Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.