WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’