Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
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What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.