Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
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therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.