When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
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(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[eats all your cotton candy]
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.