healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
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My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day