The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
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Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Stop sending me this shit.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…