If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
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“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
If looks could kill
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My wife gives the best headache.