Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
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Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I feel this so hard
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My patience has stretch marks.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.