genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
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Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
You deplete me
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.