You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
You Might Also Like
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
This is sending me to another galaxy
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”