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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Happy thanksgiving
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
🤣dope
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”