fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
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time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
#Caturday
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.