USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
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My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……