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You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.