2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
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Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked