[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
You Might Also Like
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)