Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
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I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Good boy 😂😂
what the
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices