I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
rapatouille
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
socratic questions
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀