“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
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my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA