Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
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u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I put the mess in domestic.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*