To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
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Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers