*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
You Might Also Like
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Don’t talk down to me
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
canadian assassins are called killergrams
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Spring of Deception
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”