Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
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My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.