If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
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My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Finished stitching this today 😇
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
My whole life was a lie.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.