No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
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me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
🤔😂😂
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
finally
We have a winner.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO