That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
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Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”