My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
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but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart