THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
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The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Any refunds available?…
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”