CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
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“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Just parrot things
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.