homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
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ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.