At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
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CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs