Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
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Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.