Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
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Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.