she has a point
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You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
What’s a Messi?
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes