I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
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Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.