I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
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Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Good advice.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
yeah 😭