“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
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My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later