Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
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I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs