Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
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Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*