A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
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To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.