A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
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Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
an airline just for babies.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.