Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
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I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.