Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
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My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity